Kraft Beer* Comes to Ann Arbor

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You’ve no doubt heard of craft beer, the popular revolution in brewing, but what about Kraft beer? Kraft Foods, the Chicago-based maker of Velveeta cheese and Oscar Mayer meats, has jumped onto the craft beer wagon and will be testing some new beverage products in Ann Arbor this summer. In the process, popular local watering hole Bill’s Beer Garden will be transformed into Kraft Processed Beer Product® Garden, a name even Kraft admits isn’t all that catchy, but is required by law to use.

“We want to be sure we adhere to all FDA regulations and recommendations,” said Kraft spokesman Joshua Curl,” And while Kraft Processed Beer Product isn’t an old-fashioned beer in the strict and boring legal sense of your dad’s beer, we think we’ve come up with a new, zestier twist on what people call beer.  We feel confident that our customers will find it a very satisfying alcoholic beverage consumption experience, and you can definitely get blotto with it.”

Kraft plans an extensive marketing campaign to appeal to younger drinkers who have just become adult alcohol consumers.

“We have several sick videos lined up that are going to go viral.”, said Mr. Curl, nodding his head and glancing at his notes, “This new beer is hella ill. We want young people to know that they can Netflix and chill with their bae while they responsibly enjoy Kraft PBP.”

Michigan is a hotbed of microbreweries, brew pubs, home brewing, and heavy drinking

The craft beer movement has grown into a global craze, and Michigan is a hotbed of microbreweries, brew pubs, home brewing, and heavy drinking. In recent years, Ann Arbor has gained HopCat, the Beer Grotto, Bill’s Beer Garden, Wolverine Brewing, Blue Tractor, and Jolly Pumpkin. Kraft Foods will be entering a crowded marketplace and will be fighting against a culture that values local brewers and real beer.

While Curl admits his product isn’t technically beer, he chafes at the notion that Kraft’s new beverages aren’t made locally.

“All Kraft Processed Beer Products are fully reconstituted locally with pure 100% locally sourced water using trained, local mixologists. The artisanal syrup base is imported from China, which most people don’t realize is actually the world’s largest beer market by volume.”

“People grew up with Kraft brands like our iconic macaroni and cheese and Jell-o Brand Gelatin. Kraft beer is just a new way for Kraft to comfort adults and numb them to their daily troubles – with a great beer-like flavor and a potent buzz.”

*Kraft Beer is a processed beer product.

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